Take upon life

There are plenty of feelings and sensations in this life that are wholly indescribable;  they fall within the space that stretches languidly between awake and dreaming, and you may call them God or magic -- call them however you choose, true mimesis is nigh on impossible to achieve. Words come to nothing, faced with the task of describing intrinsic beauty, much in the same way that religion fails to entirely explain natural grace. I strayed across somebody who so succinctly manages to sum up a personal view of mine, however, that it seems almost painful:

I believe that God is the universe. Everything that exists is a manifestation of the divine--a divinity that may not be "good" or personally interested or even purposeful, but is beautiful. God is the atoms and God is the clouds in the pale-blue winter sky, God is mold in the drywall and God is IRS form 2290 (Heavy Highway Vehicle Use Tax Return), God is you and me and Kim Jong Il and Carrot Top.

I've been asked how this differs from atheism, and I'm not entirely sure. I don't believe in the divine violation of natural laws, although I do think we haven't (and maybe won't) discovered all natural laws. I don't believe that existence has a purpose, at least not one useful to humans. Maybe the only difference is that I see atheism as a philosophy without worship, and I worship the beauty of existence. (I tend to worship the pretty parts more, but hey, I've only got a human brain to work with here.) I love the world, I believe in the world, in a way that "I'm not religious" really doesn't cover.

Never before have I read something that so perfectly vivifies my own personal, albeit formerly ineffable belief. I am without words. Reading this is life affirming. Oh, and in case you can't tell... I am in transit and have far too much time on my hands.

....not quite mock the year

Upon stumbling through the front door this morning (it is definitely the wrong side 5 o'clock), and cackhandedly retrieving my laptop from the desk, the first song to burst forth and greet me, as I commence this late night vigil is Death Cab For Cutie's, The New Year. Given my elected topic for this morning's post, this song seems perturbing fitting -- if only I hadn't left the volume cranked up so loudly.

It was my intention, as is always the case in such situations, to glide silently into the house unnoticed -- put on a calming playlist, and write until sociable hours before I pack and leave for the Midlands. Unfortunately, I am far from the embodiment of either stealth or grace. Subsequently, the only element of surprise that I can boast of now is the surprise my family feels, for being roused at such an hour. Sorry guys...

I truly believed that my moving to Aberdeen, would signify the end of my night time sneakery -- if I were the overly superstitious type, I might be inclined to take this as an omen, divining that the year to come is unlikely to be much different from its antecedent... oh Heck,  I don't know who am I trying to delude if not folish myself. I am said superstitious fool.

...the cyclic nature of human nature, once again proves to be
irresistible to me:  food for thought.

I find that by the time I eventually get home after hitting the clubs, I've bypassed the window within which I can 'shut off' despite my best efforts to sleep. On this particular occasion, it is effectively dawn anyway so I don't feel particularly ridiculous in staying awake -- and the chorus is already well under way, so much so that the birds are drowning out Ben Gibbard's Southern drawl. What better way to while away the halflight, than in finalising my appraisal of the year?

Groups that sport the tagline, "I will enter 2011 drunk" are rife on facebook and tumblr alike, and pose an interesting and perverted dichotomy, whereby traditional and modern values meet. Although the well intentioned amongst us profess that they mean to break out of bad behaviour cycles, we all insist upon celebrating the new year without exception by falling over the threshold in an identical fashion to the year before. Although I may well have failed on this occasion in being stealthy and silent, upon returning home at ridiculous o'clock in the morning -- I sincerely hope that next year will signify a break from tradition for me.

I want to become a better person this year, although this is the makings of a vague and cliched goal.  I am not normally inclined to set myself resolutions, or goals -- preferring to be altogether more organic in the way I function, but I feel an intention to do small acts of good will on a daily basis falls outside of this category. My aversion to New Year's resolutions is rooted in an involuntary need to a little off-centre, but as with all things, it is merely a matter of perception...

The disparity between reality and one's expectations in life often amounts to a sizable gap; but in my hazy, wine saturated state, with the first furls of new light curling, wraith-like, around the curtains -- I concede I feel the two are in accord. Call me cynical, but a state of being whereby healthy cynicism and a dose of good faith converge has ever been desirable. Sustaining it will likely be a veritable balancing act, but for the meantime at least I feel that I have found my stride. I feel calmer, more ambitious, more confident but more importantly, I am happy.

Not yet onto the monumental task of cataloguing the most disruptive year of my life to date, and my musings  already paint me as the model of every self-indulgent teenage fool, apologies!! However, before I turn to the new year, it seems pertinent that I at least attempt to try my hand at summarising the highs and lows of 2010 -- something that is a near impossible ask.

Perhaps it is advisable that I break down the year into a series of lists...

Friends
Pillars of strength, unbeknownst to them, old and new:
Tom V-W; Abi M; Emma C; Penny M; Ben K; Anna F; Sam C; Kate M; Ella W; Jenny L; Laura W; Charlotte R; Connor G; Rosie D; Gordi M; Sam S; Catherine B.
Did you lose any friends this year?:
One who I miss sorely, but I recognize this is the natural progression..
Gain any?:
More than I reckon I deserve. So many inspiring, generous and gentle souls.
Meet a special friend?:
There are a couple, and yes Gordi I definitely consider you a friend as well.
(If you read this, know that you are one of the only people likely to do so... aha ;/)
Did you hang out with any friends in the past week?:
Tonight saw the gang reunited, minus the young urchins.

Love Life

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:
Yes. He's a bit special.

New Years Eve
Did you do anything at midnight?:
We played drunken twister, I hijjacked the soundsystem and made everyone sing along to Bob Dylan, and we passed around a couple of bottles of Cava?
Who did you spend it with?:
Alex, Ella, Daniel, Ben, Abi, Sam, Nick, Tom, Mike, Katie, Hannah and Rebecca.

Valentines Day
Did you have a Valentine?:
No, Anna was preoccupied with her actual boyfriend, for shame..


Summer
Did you go on vacation?:
To Wrabness with the fam, but mostly at home and going to Festivals etc. then road tripping.
Did you hang out on the beach with friends?:
Yes! NEW BRIGHTON, pikey central... it rained, and the sand smelt of piss.
How long was your summer break?:
In excess of 2 months.
Did you get a tan?:
It didn't compete with the previous summers', but a bit?

Halloween
Did you go trick or treating?:
Nope.
Did you dress up?:
It was half arsed, to say the least. Ripped tights, backcombed hair etc.
Was it fun?:
Yes!

Christmas
Who did you spend it with?:
The fam (or, at least, my mum's side of the family -- we are visiting the Francis side tomorrow).
Did Santa come to your house?:
Ha.
Did you stay up until midnight on Christmas Eve?
Was on skype until about 3am..

Your Birthday
Who did you spend it with?:
The King Street Exchange come Johnston rabble, who I adore.
What did you do?:
Get messed up and then require some serious looking after :(
What did you get?:
Leather purse, lots of alcohol and my yearly quota of regret :(
When is it?:
November.

This Year Have You Ever?
Kissed someone: Yes.
Hugged someone: ...really?!
Electricuted yourself: Hahahaha, not saying no to this one...
Climbed more than 60 feet: If a mountain counts, yes!
Made a Youtube video: nah.
Lied to a loved one: yes! But only harmless lies, I hope.
Had a nosebleed: Today... I get them regularly.
Gotten airsick: nah
Been so bored, you just ate food: I had study leave... stupid question.
Not showered for a day: Festival.
Drank alchohol: Yes.
Smoked: Yes.
Tried drugs: Yes.
Had a pet: Yes.
Ran a marathon: No.
Had a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes.

5 Do’s
1. Do you play any instruments?:  :( none.
2. Do you play any sports?: skiing walking, so... basically, no.
3. Do you believe in 2012?: ahaha, the world isn't going to end so YES.
4. Do you like cheese?: Yes.
5. Do you honestly like Obama?: It isn't a matter of like -- he has to live up to people's impossible expectations.

4 If’s
1. If you get $1 Million for breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, would you?: pass
2. If you were to get $50,000 for killing a rat, would you?: pass
3. If you were to choose between your best friend and your brother/sister, who would you choose?: both.
4. If you were to choose between coke/pepsi or sprite/7up, which would you choose?: water.

3 How’s
1. How old do you want to be when you get married?: I still want to have my own teeth... not got a schedule..
2. How many siblings do you have?: Just one.
3. How did your last Christmas go? It was quiet.

2 When’s
1. When did you have your first kiss?: Technically, a lifetime ago-- realistically, 4ish years.
2. When did you last have a piece of cake?: Christmas day.

1 What
1. What would you say if the guy/girl you like right now kissed you?: I despair of this quiz.. why'd I take it.

Our jaunt to Wrabness,

Or as Beth aptly said: one boy and his boat...

Although I daresay reviving a personal blog  for fourth time that goes largely unread is probably tantamount to flogging a virtually dead horse -- no cyber pun intended -- I find myself unwilling to call time of death. Precisely how much this owes to my gaining a sudden surge of inspiration, I am afraid I cannot say -- but for the meantime, there is life in her yet.

All things said,  my newly rekindled enthusiasm will likely be squandered on posts detailing the antics of 2010. Any accounts of such antics are born of my excessively nostalgic nature, combined in equal parts with the fact that society dictates the days preceding New Years Eve ought to be set aside for reflection....

Apologies in advance.

However, first for a little bit of history. Although four months might ordinarily have felt like nothing, time of little consequence, the lifestyle shakeup which University necessitates has damaged my perception of time. Subsequently, such summer antics as our three day jaunt to Wrabness and Y-Not festival belong to in a different epoch, it feels. It was a fantastic summer, by all accounts -- and one which I undoubtedly won't forget, but with hindsight I can see that there are tears that have gone uncried, in a situation that I am guilty in escalating. I expected too much, gave too little and in my inconsistent mood reaped exactly what I feared. These are wounds that I sustained, which only affected my pride -- what grieves me most, is the loss of a valuable friend, whom I still love as such. It is with complete honesty, that I say I wish I had managed to prevent losing you as my friend, but I was too bitter.

These photos herald the entrance of a happier tone to this otherwise overly reflective post--  filling me with something approaching warm fuzzies (of the friendship sort, which I am familiar with, not the kind reserved for excessively romantic novels, which I am currently experiencing for unrelated reasons...)

I digress... Wrabness exemplifies the low tech but extremely fulfilling means by which we kept ourselves entertained over the 2 month long summer holiday.  Not even driving in excess of 500 miles in the course of four days, nor the incessant rain, put a dampener on my spirits. Boats. Kayaks. Monopoly. Losing Alistair Hopson. Lethal cocktails. A dearth of sunshine. Squabbling over the best beds. Pub dinners. Wetsuits and life jackets. Nicknames. Bonfires. Flip flops. Communal cooking. Gin and tea cups. Moonlight conversations. Resisting a model of life, which I don't prescribe to. Sunrises seen through sleep laced eyes. Hot chocolate. Laughter. Feeling insignificant in the grander scheme of things, counter-cultural almost and fulfilling no role in society -- but feeling supremely happy.

Summer was a glorified eight week bender, for all intents and purposes, but it will be nigh on impossible to beat. Steeped in memories.

All photos courtesy of Bethany Lloyd,
 as I didn't take my camera with me.

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Charles Baudelaire: The Voyage

J.M.W. Turner, Shipwreck

I find it strange, that our 'nature' should be so elliptical-- though I scarcely hope to convey what i mean by this, in saying so much. We go full circle in the cycle of life, much as we did the Earth when we first elected to circumnavigate the globe. Humanity has a penchant for nostalgia that almost outstrips its hunger for all that is new and unspoiled: a second chance.

Undoubtedly, they are but composites of the same desire; two separate hemispheres, which again form a whole. I jot sketchy ships, outline rigging and sails-- now no less than when I was a child. Continuity, constantly, and always we come full circle.

The Voyage

(translated by T. S. Eliot)

For the boy playing with his globe and stamps,

the world is equal to his appetite--

how grand the world in the blaze of the lamps,

how petty in tomorrow's small dry light!

One morning we lift anchor, full of brave

prejudices, prospects, ingenuity--

we swing with the velvet swell of the wave,

our infinite is rocked by the fixed sea.

Some wish to fly a cheapness they detest,

others, their cradles' terror -- others stand

with their binoculars on a woman's breast,

reptilian Circe with her junk and wand.

Not to be turned to reptiles, such men daze

themselves with spaces, light, the burning sky;

cold toughens them, they bronze in the sun's blaze

and dry the sores of their debauchery.

But the true voyagers are those who move

simply to move -- like lost balloons! Their heart

is some old motor thudding in one groove.

It says its single phrase, "Let us depart!"

They are like conscripts lusting for the guns;

our sciences have never learned to tag

their projects and designs -- enormous, vague

hopes grease the wheels of these automatons!

ooph

Disclaimer:
Anything posted on this blog, was so written during a black and reflective mood.
x

tasteful classification: mindspew

I am at my most sublime, when I'm sounding rainbows,

chasing rhymes; throwing shapes, and inking hazy details

in a muted world, so insubstantial, light has yet to fall

I push reality to the four winds, in favour of what,

might have been. In dearth of subconscious dreams, I'll take,

this waking day and forge a world, of my own design.

Humanity’s capacity for seemingly boundless optimism, in the face of adversity and impossible odds, is something that will never cease to astonish me. The ability to suspend disbelief and flagrantly delude ourselves can surely serve no higher purpose, other than to aid our ability to find happiness in the simple things. Conversely, hope can also be a burden; becoming the proverbial straw, which eventually breaks a camel’s back. Why we are so determined to push the boundaries of reality, is entirely beyond me – but I am just as guilty of revising the truth of a situation, as the next person. In rewording past events, we work at reworking our own history; and in doing so, we warp the image that we hold, not only of ourselves but of what is achievable and ‘real’.

But what is reality, anyway?

I don’t subscribe to the media’s false representation of the world around me; though I dare say, they don’t wilfully deceive us quite as often as we are wont to give them credit. The older I become, the more incapable I am of taking the world at face value. I can think of no instance, where I can say confidently that an event has happened for a reason; yet I still console myself, in times of doubt, with a mantra so geometrically opposed this rationale as to make myself ridiculous.

“For everything, a reason”, is a phrase that soothes all manner of hurts. It is just a construction of words, however, although the consoling effect that it has upon me is made no less real by this realisation. I am not entirely sure, whether a thing can exist if it is not always in a solid state. After it has gone, and there is nothing left to show for it having ever been there– I don't contest that it EXISTED, but can't say with confidence that I believe it exists. Spoken and written legacy, is humanity's greatest invention

Anyway, I digress. Surely, the surest sign of fool is the person who laments over a love that is forged upon ineffable ‘should have beens’, before first having sounded the thoughts, which form the feeling. You can't love, alone, and expect everything to simply fall into place. Just as ideas are nothing until they have been voiced, so too are emotions; so speak up, proudly. Boldly.

The Jimi Hendrix Experience-Bold As Love by aasawyer1127

Bold as Love—but there is no “quietly understand”.

You have to hear the words, those that construct a shaky reality,

before you can possibly conceive of gleaning understanding.


Slight dedication to Bea, for poking my down the dingy path of the question of existance.
=/

I don't want to think in should have beens,
Where once I thought in whens and hows.

..

&&subjects too beautiful

Abi, Penny && Anna.

I enjoy you,

you're all glorious.

finding creative ways to ensure I fail my exams

With a sudden abundance of photo-taking opportunities and an excess of time, I feel the need to revive this blog somewhat, albeit if only with a pointless update on my social life. I seem to be drawing, painting and doodling away any chance that I may have had at success. Someone ought to put the fear of God in me.

Sorry that this post is so heavily barbecue orientated; it is a true reflection of my life at the moment. The photos aren't half as tasty as the incidents in question, I am afraid. Hope you enjoy them nonetheless :) x

 

We celebrated Penny's 18th, pretty much half a year after she actually turned 18. It was an interesting evening; I can now throw an American football reasonably okay.

 Happy unbirthday, Penny! :)

//

 

Look at that beaauty burn.

  

 

How I love abit of a fire in the old Francis garden.

I started this blogpost with every intention to write something worthwhile, however inspiration hasn't struck. Suffice it to say that the process of uploading photos onto blogspot has been a boring enough experience, as to make revision seem a more interesting alternative. Therefore, I am going to run with this inclination.

I want to catch your lips, every
time you open your mouth.
never mind holding your hand,
I'm hanging on your words.

Half the world away;;

Hello, sparse readership. Hello, Easter Monday. I find you loathful. Easter, that is, not whoever you are. Chocolate is most definitely my biggest weakness. I hope everybody is feeling suitably sluggish? Certainly, I am very glad to have only been given one Egg; it has been a blessing in disguise, because I have been saved from my own chocolate guzzling self.

Anyroads, back to more pressing news.

 

We went camping. In Wales. Getting to the camp site (Shell Island) required our crossing into Snowdonia through a might-have-been-closed road, kudos for Jenny for driving. See the figure 1 for proof of our madness;  camping and snow, generally speaking, don't mix well.

What I failed to mention, is that this trip was precursored by a slightly messy evening spent drinking , dancing and generally acting like vagrants in a barn. All the more kudos to Jenny. Said evening culminised in trying to sleep at ridiculous o'clock on a cold stone floor, getting very little rest, waking up and gutting the kitchen of various people's ill conceived midnight snacks. Whoever cooked spagetti, I have a bone to pick with you. Having said that, I enjoyed it quiiite a bit. Especially the aftermath: glassy eyed campers, eating bacon by hand and drinking tea before trying to minimise the visible damage.

All photos are courtesy of Tom, incidentally,

my camera battery was empty on arrival.

//

 

So we went to Shell Island. We erected tents. There were, as a consequence, far too many phallic type tent innuendos. The weather didn't do much to recommend itself, but we considered ourselves lucky, although I looked monstrous throughout wearing a violently green ski jacket. It was of my own doing, really..  the painfully ugly photographic evidence is self inflicted.

For the best part of 2 days, I ran up sand dunes, stomped through puddles, made fires and drank. The stars were as bright and many, as ever I have seen them. The company was great, even though the jokes were dodgy -- and upon arriving home, I caught Jonny Depp slurring about rum and literally cried with laughter. Kudos, again, to Jenny. She kept that rum well within her sights.

 

Camping aside (or, given some of the goings on-- perhaps not) my life this month just gone past has resembled something of a car crash, both literally and metaphorically speaking. Or rather, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that my lifetrain derailed, and is now back on track. Fingers crossed. Brushing my hand of the crazy, and back to cool, directed focus (likely story...). I have lots to look forward to, but not until Summer.

//

To round off, I thought I might do something different for a change:

I'm going to put up a few pretty ditties, all of which have made my day at various points during the past month or so. There are many more I could post up here, but I've my space limits and procrastination time is of the essence! Click on them to listen, right click and "save link as" to download them. I can't believe Venice was a year ago.

Beer (live) -- Reel Big Fish

Bloodbuzz Ohio -- The National

Cousins (Vampire Weekend Cover) -- Mumford and Sons

Such Great Heights (Postal Service Cover) -- Streetlight Manifesto

Tornado -- Jonsi

Curs In the Weeds -- Horse Feathers

Superman -- Goldfinger

You Got The Love (The Very Best Remix) -- Florence & the Machine // XX


That was an excessively long post!! Sorry about that. Hope you've all had a happy Easter.