Three years ago.

Over the threshold.

Take upon life

There are plenty of feelings and sensations in this life that are wholly indescribable;  they fall within the space that stretches languidly between awake and dreaming, and you may call them God or magic -- call them however you choose, true mimesis is nigh on impossible to achieve. Words come to nothing, faced with the task of describing intrinsic beauty, much in the same way that religion fails to entirely explain natural grace. I strayed across somebody who so succinctly manages to sum up a personal view of mine, however, that it seems almost painful:

I believe that God is the universe. Everything that exists is a manifestation of the divine--a divinity that may not be "good" or personally interested or even purposeful, but is beautiful. God is the atoms and God is the clouds in the pale-blue winter sky, God is mold in the drywall and God is IRS form 2290 (Heavy Highway Vehicle Use Tax Return), God is you and me and Kim Jong Il and Carrot Top.

I've been asked how this differs from atheism, and I'm not entirely sure. I don't believe in the divine violation of natural laws, although I do think we haven't (and maybe won't) discovered all natural laws. I don't believe that existence has a purpose, at least not one useful to humans. Maybe the only difference is that I see atheism as a philosophy without worship, and I worship the beauty of existence. (I tend to worship the pretty parts more, but hey, I've only got a human brain to work with here.) I love the world, I believe in the world, in a way that "I'm not religious" really doesn't cover.

Never before have I read something that so perfectly vivifies my own personal, albeit formerly ineffable belief. I am without words. Reading this is life affirming. Oh, and in case you can't tell... I am in transit and have far too much time on my hands.

....not quite mock the year

Upon stumbling through the front door this morning (it is definitely the wrong side 5 o'clock), and cackhandedly retrieving my laptop from the desk, the first song to burst forth and greet me, as I commence this late night vigil is Death Cab For Cutie's, The New Year. Given my elected topic for this morning's post, this song seems perturbing fitting -- if only I hadn't left the volume cranked up so loudly.

It was my intention, as is always the case in such situations, to glide silently into the house unnoticed -- put on a calming playlist, and write until sociable hours before I pack and leave for the Midlands. Unfortunately, I am far from the embodiment of either stealth or grace. Subsequently, the only element of surprise that I can boast of now is the surprise my family feels, for being roused at such an hour. Sorry guys...

I truly believed that my moving to Aberdeen, would signify the end of my night time sneakery -- if I were the overly superstitious type, I might be inclined to take this as an omen, divining that the year to come is unlikely to be much different from its antecedent... oh Heck,  I don't know who am I trying to delude if not folish myself. I am said superstitious fool.

...the cyclic nature of human nature, once again proves to be
irresistible to me:  food for thought.

I find that by the time I eventually get home after hitting the clubs, I've bypassed the window within which I can 'shut off' despite my best efforts to sleep. On this particular occasion, it is effectively dawn anyway so I don't feel particularly ridiculous in staying awake -- and the chorus is already well under way, so much so that the birds are drowning out Ben Gibbard's Southern drawl. What better way to while away the halflight, than in finalising my appraisal of the year?

Groups that sport the tagline, "I will enter 2011 drunk" are rife on facebook and tumblr alike, and pose an interesting and perverted dichotomy, whereby traditional and modern values meet. Although the well intentioned amongst us profess that they mean to break out of bad behaviour cycles, we all insist upon celebrating the new year without exception by falling over the threshold in an identical fashion to the year before. Although I may well have failed on this occasion in being stealthy and silent, upon returning home at ridiculous o'clock in the morning -- I sincerely hope that next year will signify a break from tradition for me.

I want to become a better person this year, although this is the makings of a vague and cliched goal.  I am not normally inclined to set myself resolutions, or goals -- preferring to be altogether more organic in the way I function, but I feel an intention to do small acts of good will on a daily basis falls outside of this category. My aversion to New Year's resolutions is rooted in an involuntary need to a little off-centre, but as with all things, it is merely a matter of perception...

The disparity between reality and one's expectations in life often amounts to a sizable gap; but in my hazy, wine saturated state, with the first furls of new light curling, wraith-like, around the curtains -- I concede I feel the two are in accord. Call me cynical, but a state of being whereby healthy cynicism and a dose of good faith converge has ever been desirable. Sustaining it will likely be a veritable balancing act, but for the meantime at least I feel that I have found my stride. I feel calmer, more ambitious, more confident but more importantly, I am happy.

Not yet onto the monumental task of cataloguing the most disruptive year of my life to date, and my musings  already paint me as the model of every self-indulgent teenage fool, apologies!! However, before I turn to the new year, it seems pertinent that I at least attempt to try my hand at summarising the highs and lows of 2010 -- something that is a near impossible ask.

Perhaps it is advisable that I break down the year into a series of lists...

Friends
Pillars of strength, unbeknownst to them, old and new:
Tom V-W; Abi M; Emma C; Penny M; Ben K; Anna F; Sam C; Kate M; Ella W; Jenny L; Laura W; Charlotte R; Connor G; Rosie D; Gordi M; Sam S; Catherine B.
Did you lose any friends this year?:
One who I miss sorely, but I recognize this is the natural progression..
Gain any?:
More than I reckon I deserve. So many inspiring, generous and gentle souls.
Meet a special friend?:
There are a couple, and yes Gordi I definitely consider you a friend as well.
(If you read this, know that you are one of the only people likely to do so... aha ;/)
Did you hang out with any friends in the past week?:
Tonight saw the gang reunited, minus the young urchins.

Love Life

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:
Yes. He's a bit special.

New Years Eve
Did you do anything at midnight?:
We played drunken twister, I hijjacked the soundsystem and made everyone sing along to Bob Dylan, and we passed around a couple of bottles of Cava?
Who did you spend it with?:
Alex, Ella, Daniel, Ben, Abi, Sam, Nick, Tom, Mike, Katie, Hannah and Rebecca.

Valentines Day
Did you have a Valentine?:
No, Anna was preoccupied with her actual boyfriend, for shame..


Summer
Did you go on vacation?:
To Wrabness with the fam, but mostly at home and going to Festivals etc. then road tripping.
Did you hang out on the beach with friends?:
Yes! NEW BRIGHTON, pikey central... it rained, and the sand smelt of piss.
How long was your summer break?:
In excess of 2 months.
Did you get a tan?:
It didn't compete with the previous summers', but a bit?

Halloween
Did you go trick or treating?:
Nope.
Did you dress up?:
It was half arsed, to say the least. Ripped tights, backcombed hair etc.
Was it fun?:
Yes!

Christmas
Who did you spend it with?:
The fam (or, at least, my mum's side of the family -- we are visiting the Francis side tomorrow).
Did Santa come to your house?:
Ha.
Did you stay up until midnight on Christmas Eve?
Was on skype until about 3am..

Your Birthday
Who did you spend it with?:
The King Street Exchange come Johnston rabble, who I adore.
What did you do?:
Get messed up and then require some serious looking after :(
What did you get?:
Leather purse, lots of alcohol and my yearly quota of regret :(
When is it?:
November.

This Year Have You Ever?
Kissed someone: Yes.
Hugged someone: ...really?!
Electricuted yourself: Hahahaha, not saying no to this one...
Climbed more than 60 feet: If a mountain counts, yes!
Made a Youtube video: nah.
Lied to a loved one: yes! But only harmless lies, I hope.
Had a nosebleed: Today... I get them regularly.
Gotten airsick: nah
Been so bored, you just ate food: I had study leave... stupid question.
Not showered for a day: Festival.
Drank alchohol: Yes.
Smoked: Yes.
Tried drugs: Yes.
Had a pet: Yes.
Ran a marathon: No.
Had a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes.

5 Do’s
1. Do you play any instruments?:  :( none.
2. Do you play any sports?: skiing walking, so... basically, no.
3. Do you believe in 2012?: ahaha, the world isn't going to end so YES.
4. Do you like cheese?: Yes.
5. Do you honestly like Obama?: It isn't a matter of like -- he has to live up to people's impossible expectations.

4 If’s
1. If you get $1 Million for breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, would you?: pass
2. If you were to get $50,000 for killing a rat, would you?: pass
3. If you were to choose between your best friend and your brother/sister, who would you choose?: both.
4. If you were to choose between coke/pepsi or sprite/7up, which would you choose?: water.

3 How’s
1. How old do you want to be when you get married?: I still want to have my own teeth... not got a schedule..
2. How many siblings do you have?: Just one.
3. How did your last Christmas go? It was quiet.

2 When’s
1. When did you have your first kiss?: Technically, a lifetime ago-- realistically, 4ish years.
2. When did you last have a piece of cake?: Christmas day.

1 What
1. What would you say if the guy/girl you like right now kissed you?: I despair of this quiz.. why'd I take it.

Our jaunt to Wrabness,

Or as Beth aptly said: one boy and his boat...

Although I daresay reviving a personal blog  for fourth time that goes largely unread is probably tantamount to flogging a virtually dead horse -- no cyber pun intended -- I find myself unwilling to call time of death. Precisely how much this owes to my gaining a sudden surge of inspiration, I am afraid I cannot say -- but for the meantime, there is life in her yet.

All things said,  my newly rekindled enthusiasm will likely be squandered on posts detailing the antics of 2010. Any accounts of such antics are born of my excessively nostalgic nature, combined in equal parts with the fact that society dictates the days preceding New Years Eve ought to be set aside for reflection....

Apologies in advance.

However, first for a little bit of history. Although four months might ordinarily have felt like nothing, time of little consequence, the lifestyle shakeup which University necessitates has damaged my perception of time. Subsequently, such summer antics as our three day jaunt to Wrabness and Y-Not festival belong to in a different epoch, it feels. It was a fantastic summer, by all accounts -- and one which I undoubtedly won't forget, but with hindsight I can see that there are tears that have gone uncried, in a situation that I am guilty in escalating. I expected too much, gave too little and in my inconsistent mood reaped exactly what I feared. These are wounds that I sustained, which only affected my pride -- what grieves me most, is the loss of a valuable friend, whom I still love as such. It is with complete honesty, that I say I wish I had managed to prevent losing you as my friend, but I was too bitter.

These photos herald the entrance of a happier tone to this otherwise overly reflective post--  filling me with something approaching warm fuzzies (of the friendship sort, which I am familiar with, not the kind reserved for excessively romantic novels, which I am currently experiencing for unrelated reasons...)

I digress... Wrabness exemplifies the low tech but extremely fulfilling means by which we kept ourselves entertained over the 2 month long summer holiday.  Not even driving in excess of 500 miles in the course of four days, nor the incessant rain, put a dampener on my spirits. Boats. Kayaks. Monopoly. Losing Alistair Hopson. Lethal cocktails. A dearth of sunshine. Squabbling over the best beds. Pub dinners. Wetsuits and life jackets. Nicknames. Bonfires. Flip flops. Communal cooking. Gin and tea cups. Moonlight conversations. Resisting a model of life, which I don't prescribe to. Sunrises seen through sleep laced eyes. Hot chocolate. Laughter. Feeling insignificant in the grander scheme of things, counter-cultural almost and fulfilling no role in society -- but feeling supremely happy.

Summer was a glorified eight week bender, for all intents and purposes, but it will be nigh on impossible to beat. Steeped in memories.

All photos courtesy of Bethany Lloyd,
 as I didn't take my camera with me.

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Charles Baudelaire: The Voyage

J.M.W. Turner, Shipwreck

I find it strange, that our 'nature' should be so elliptical-- though I scarcely hope to convey what i mean by this, in saying so much. We go full circle in the cycle of life, much as we did the Earth when we first elected to circumnavigate the globe. Humanity has a penchant for nostalgia that almost outstrips its hunger for all that is new and unspoiled: a second chance.

Undoubtedly, they are but composites of the same desire; two separate hemispheres, which again form a whole. I jot sketchy ships, outline rigging and sails-- now no less than when I was a child. Continuity, constantly, and always we come full circle.

The Voyage

(translated by T. S. Eliot)

For the boy playing with his globe and stamps,

the world is equal to his appetite--

how grand the world in the blaze of the lamps,

how petty in tomorrow's small dry light!

One morning we lift anchor, full of brave

prejudices, prospects, ingenuity--

we swing with the velvet swell of the wave,

our infinite is rocked by the fixed sea.

Some wish to fly a cheapness they detest,

others, their cradles' terror -- others stand

with their binoculars on a woman's breast,

reptilian Circe with her junk and wand.

Not to be turned to reptiles, such men daze

themselves with spaces, light, the burning sky;

cold toughens them, they bronze in the sun's blaze

and dry the sores of their debauchery.

But the true voyagers are those who move

simply to move -- like lost balloons! Their heart

is some old motor thudding in one groove.

It says its single phrase, "Let us depart!"

They are like conscripts lusting for the guns;

our sciences have never learned to tag

their projects and designs -- enormous, vague

hopes grease the wheels of these automatons!